The Angriest rant in the world

June 7, 2008 at 1:22 am 7 comments


Lupus is right. I shouldn’t care. Therefore, this is at his expense. Because I don’t care.

Voice Over This man is Lupus-sol… writer of angry rhetoric. In a few moments, he will have written the angriest rhetoric in the world… and, as a consequence, he will die … in a nerd rage.
Lupus stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written… a grimace slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled swearing… he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting anger and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.
Voice Over It was obvious that this rhetoric was lethal… no one could read it and live …
The scribbler’s mother enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and (thinking it is a suicide note – for he has not been doing well for the last thirteen years) picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical swearing, leaps three feet into the air, and falls down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.
Commentator (reverentially) This morning, shortly after eleven o’clock, rhetoric struck this little house in Canberra Road. Sudden …violent … rhetoric. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard’s crack inspector is with me now.
Inspector I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the rhetoric.
At this point an upstairs window in the house is flung open and a doctor, with stethoscope, rears his head out, hysterical with anger, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up briefly and sadly, and then continue as if they are used to such sights this morning.
Inspector I shall be aided by the sound of joyful music, played on gramophone records, and also by the laughter by the men of Q Division … (he indicates a little knot of smiling policemen standing nearby) The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the rhetoric.
He gives a signal. The group of policemen start giggling and singing very off-key. Yakety Sax is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.
Commentator There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.
The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with anger, holding the rhetoric aloft. He collapses and dies.
Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.
Voice Over It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer rhetoric. Under top security, the rhetoric was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.
Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door: ‘Conference. No Admittance’.) Dispatch rider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of anger… . series of oomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.
Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.
Voice Over Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the rhetoric.’s devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty metres.
Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Zoom through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal looking cold and miserable. Pan across to fifty metres away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth.
Cut in to corporal’s face – registering complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidity. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, frowns, and dies. Two watching generals are very impressed.
Generals Fantastic.
Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.
Colonel All through the winter of ’43 we had translators working, in anger-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the rhetoric. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the rhetoric and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the rhetoric by January, in a form which our troops couldn’t understand but which the Germans could.
Cut to a trench in the Ardennes. Members of the rhetoric brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the rhetoric on them.
Voice Over So, on July 8th, 1944, the rhetoric was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes…
Commanding NCO Tell the … rhetoric.
Rhetoric Brigade (together) Welchen ein bisschen Idioten denken sie das MIA sind? Dass sie in alle jene Truppen senden würden, um einen Stapel Bücher zu ergreifen, die zu ihnen bedeutungslos sind? „Wir können sie nicht zurück mit leeren Händen gehen lassen“? „Es ist Geben-und“? „Verbündete von Gerechtigkeit“? MEINE ASS. Sie verspottet sie. „Har Har flogen wir weg mit allllll die wichtigen Bücher, saugen es Verlierer! Oh haben Wartezeit, diese, die, dass wir bereits Kopien von haben, und da so in Ihren Händen bedeutungslos sind! HAR HAR! VERLIERER!“
Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in anger.
Voice Over It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain’s great pre-war rhetoric …
Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the ‘Peace in our time’ bit of paper.
Voice Over …and one which Hitler just couldn’t match.
Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.
SUBTITLE ‘What kind of idiots do they think the MIA is? That they would send in all those troops to seize a stack of books that are meaningless to them?’
A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE:We can’t let them go back empty handed? It’s give and take? Allies of justice? MY ASS. It’s mocking them!
Hitler speaks:
SUBTITLE: Har har we flew off with allllll the important books, suck it losers! Oh wait, have these ones, the ones that we already have copies of, and as such are meaningless in your hands! HAR HAR! LOSERS!’

Voice Over In action it was deadly.
Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them (a member of the rheotertic squad) sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out rhetoric.
Rhetoric Corporal Welchen ein bisschen Idioten denken sie das MIA sind? Dass sie in alle jene Truppen senden würden, um einen Stapel Bücher zu ergreifen, die zu ihnen bedeutungslos sind? „Wir können sie nicht zurück mit leeren Händen gehen lassen“? „Es ist Geben-und“? „Verbündete von Gerechtigkeit“? MEINE ASS. Sie verspottet sie. „Har Har flogen wir weg mit allllll die wichtigen Bücher, saugen es Verlierer! Oh haben Wartezeit, diese, die, dass wir bereits Kopien von haben, und da so in Ihren Händen bedeutungslos sind! HAR HAR! VERLIERER!“
Sniper falls fuming out of tree.
Rhetoric Brigade (charging) Welchen ein bisschen Idioten denken sie das MIA sind? Dass sie in alle jene Truppen senden würden, um einen Stapel Bücher zu ergreifen, die zu ihnen bedeutungslos sind? „Wir können sie nicht zurück mit leeren Händen gehen lassen“? „Es ist Geben-und“? „Verbündete von Gerechtigkeit“? MEINE ASS. Sie verspottet sie. „Har Har flogen wir weg mit allllll die wichtigen Bücher, saugen es Verlierer! Oh haben Wartezeit, diese, die, dass wir bereits Kopien von haben, und da so in Ihren Händen bedeutungslos sind! HAR HAR! VERLIERER!“
They chant the rhetoric. Germans are put to flight fuming, some dropping to ground.
Voice Over The German casualties were appalling.
Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still nerd raging hysterically.
Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the rhetoric brigade has a light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another (clearly labelled ‘A Gestapo Officer’) stands behind him.
Nazi Vott is the rhetoric?
Officer I can only give you name, rank, and several of Zac Berstchy’s articles?
Nazi That’s not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know the rhetoric.
Officer All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?
Nazi (momentarily fooled) I don’t know … how do you make a Nazi cross?
Officer Tread on his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in pain)
Nazi Gott in Himmel! That’s not angry! (mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effct) Now if you don’t tell me the rhetoric, I shall hit you properly.
Officer I can stand physical pain, you know.
Nazi Ah … you’re no fun. All right, Otto.
Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing.
Officer Oh no – anything but that please no, all right I’ll tell you.
They stop.
Nazi Quick Otto. The typewriter.
Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expectantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.
Officer Welchen ein bisschen Idioten denken sie das MIA sind? Dass sie in alle jene Truppen senden würden, um einen Stapel Bücher zu ergreifen, die zu ihnen bedeutungslos sind? „Wir können sie nicht zurück mit leeren Händen gehen lassen“? „Es ist Geben-und“? „Verbündete von Gerechtigkeit“? MEINE ASS. Sie verspottet sie. „Har Har flogen wir weg mit allllll die wichtigen Bücher, saugen es Verlierer! Oh haben Wartezeit, diese, die, dass wir bereits Kopien von haben, und da so in Ihren Händen bedeutungslos sind! HAR HAR! VERLIERER!“
Otto at the typewriter explodes with anger and dies.
Nazi Ach! Zat iss not angry!
Bursts into anger and dies. A guard bursts in with machine gun, The British officer leaps on the table.
Officer (lightning speed) Welchen ein bisschen Idioten denken sie das MIA sind? Dass sie in alle jene Truppen senden würden, um einen Stapel Bücher zu ergreifen, die zu ihnen bedeutungslos sind? „Wir können sie nicht zurück mit leeren Händen gehen lassen“? „Es ist Geben-und“? „Verbündete von Gerechtigkeit“? MEINE ASS. Sie verspottet sie. „Har Har flogen wir weg mit allllll die wichtigen Bücher, saugen es Verlierer! Oh haben Wartezeit, diese, die, dass wir bereits Kopien von haben, und da so in Ihren Händen bedeutungslos sind! HAR HAR! VERLIERER!“
The guard reels back and collapses fuming. British officer makes his escape.
Cut to stock film of German scientists working in laboratories.
Voice Over But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of ’44, the Germans were working on a rhetoric of their own.
Cut to interior. A German general (Terry J) is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands Otto, labelled ‘A Different Gestapo Officer’. Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.
German Rhetoric Writer Fansubs ruinieren Anime. Vor wow, was haben, verwandelten sich sie in, da ich 5 Jahren beendigte! : Schlag: Und Sie Leute können dieses Material aufpassen? Ich wundere mich, wenn dieses drastisch beeinflußt, wie viel ein nicht japanischer sprechender Projektor ein Erscheinen genießt, wenn der gesamte Schirm mit Wörtern VERGIPST wird! Ich bedeute zurück, als untertitelt I ich gerade sich wie etwas gelber Text an der Unterseite setzen würde und das sei es wurde. Dann waren Leute wie „ich wünschen mein Karaoke“ und ich würde wie „sein, warum nicht Sie gehen Stock ein Maiskolben herauf Ihren Kolben.“ Und sie erhielten alle pissed. Offenbar war ich gerade nicht genug für die weeaboo fansub Bewegung gut. Wow war der der erleuchtendste Dokumentarfilm, den ich überhaupt gesehen habe. JP und ich waren beide, die weg unsere Esel lachen.
He finishes and looks hopeful.
Otto We let you know.
He shoots him.
More stock film of German scientists.
Voice Over But by December their rhetoric was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V-toric to be broadcast in English.
Cut to 1940’s wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.

Radio (crackly German voice) It’z za shed. Get eet oof.
Radio bursts into ‘Deutschland Uber Alles’. The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio.
Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. The commentator in a woodland glade.
Commentator In 1945 Love broke out. It was the end of the Rhetoric. Rhetoric warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the rhetoric was laid to rest here in the Australian Outback, never to be told again.

There are a few references in there. Some of the words are completely ripped off from certain sites. I’ll be eagerly awaiting my lawsuits :3

And yes I think Scotland Yard has a Division in Australia.

edit: and here’s the official notice of grievance.

Entry filed under: Funny.

Guns do not kill people, PEOPLE DO. Akiba stabbings!

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Hinano  |  June 7, 2008 at 1:35 am

    You obviously missed the fact that “Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. ” shoulda been a Russian. 😛

    Reply
  • 2. Tyrenol  |  June 7, 2008 at 5:02 am

    Ripping off Monty Python’s Flying Circus and their “killer joke” joke…

    Even though what Lupus is trying to say is that “even the failing of logic has its limits.”

    But hey. I’ve yet to hear of a creative writing teacher who tells one’s students that “logic doesn’t apply” AND is still employed.

    Reply
  • 3. blissmo  |  June 7, 2008 at 8:02 am

    LOL story 😀

    Reply
  • 4. Ronin  |  June 7, 2008 at 12:51 pm

    Wow. Just wow. A lot of words spouting.

    Reply
  • 5. Sasa  |  June 7, 2008 at 9:58 pm

    Reading that german was painful. GJ.

    Reply
  • […] blog about it), but it’s fun to see somebody rage against it like this. Drm has an interestingly random follow-up full of RAGE. I haven’t finished reading that post though as my head hurts when I read […]

    Reply
  • 7. Lupus  |  August 2, 2009 at 2:13 am

    Man, this is so old, yet I just saw it. I didn’t read the actual post because it’s so frigging long, but I laughed hard at the official notice.

    In case you don’t know/haven’t realised yet, I hardly ever actually rage at anything. I pretend to rage because, well, that’s the only way that I can write even semi-entertainingly.

    Reply

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I’M IN THE ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMY.

And the prophet spake, saying: "Frak this, for my faith is a shield proof against your blandishments!"

- Alem Mahat, The Book of Cain, Chapter IV, Verse XXI

Email: DrmChsr0atgmaildotcom (at=@, dot=.)

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