This CLANNAD post is more awesome than any other CLANNAD post online, unless it’s news about the game translation

October 6, 2007 at 3:00 am 3 comments


I’ll break my personal beef with episodic summaries and do one special for CLANNAD. Because it is ausum and whatnot.

EPISODE 1 SUMMARY (MOST OF IT MADE UP):

Hello my name is Okazaki Tomoya and I am gay for Sunohara. I live with my drunk-ass gambler father in a dorm and I want to snap him into a SlimJim. My mother was an UNATCO Agent aboard the Starship Titania and one day day the whole ship disappeared. The official version said she died in a car accident, but I knew better.

I hate life. The drudgery of school, going home to a place I hate, getting my butt kicked sixteen ways to Sunday by random lolcats, heck, even Sunohara’s beginning to look boring. And he gets into all sorts of trouble. Just this morning, he got scrummed by a bunch of jocks because he blasted his friggin’ music too loud. If the jocks didn’t scrum him, I would have gone over and wrung his scrawny blonde neck. No one disturbs my sleep and gets away with it, even if I do want him inside me in my sick homoerotic dreams.

I’m a thrid ear and to be honest I don’t know what I’d like to do after my high school education. I have toyed with the idea of joining UNATCO in the hopes of being able to search fr my mother, but… It’s not that my grades are so bad I couldn’t get into UNATCO but it just seems that life plain sucks

As I was walking to school today I met this strange girl muttering something about “Cthulu fthagn” or something. I think it was more along the lines of “Do yo like this school?”, but you never know. I’ve had my fair run-ins with crazy cultists. And many a time they had guns. I was wary about this girl, for I left my pistol and combat knife at home, so if she actually jumped me, I could be in deep shit. Thankfully, she was not one of them crazy cultists, just a student from my school. I coulda sworn she was a cultist, though; she almost quoted words from some book I vaguely remember hearing about…

I overheard some of the students taking behind my back. That’s another reason I hate school: people are hypocrites here. If they wanted to say something, they had better say in in front of my face. I really should bring that pistol with me sometime. The next time I meet with a cultist, I might not be so lucky. The class rep came up to me and said some things I should have noted, but have conveniently forgotten. I think I made her cry, because at the next moment, her sister came in and almost killed me. I really should take the pistol with me to school. If her sister wasn’t so sexy, I would have taken the both of them out ages ago. I may be gay for my clueless blonde friend but I’m still a man. Darnit, I get turned on by sexy females.

I met her again sometime during lunch. She’s kinda cute for a suspected cultist. And what she said was pretty inane, stuff about being sick for a long time and missing some of the teachers (I forced some of them to transfer out using blackmail and classified documents, goes to show what a few rogue contacts within UNATCO can do for you. Hope she doesn’t stumble upon this piece of paper. I should buy the self-destructing kind sometime.) I have no idea what came over me, to be nice to her and all, when I should have wondered the most efficient way of taking her out should she jump me.

After lunch, we were treated with a show. No not the crap the UN puts out, I meant a real fight. I was gonna go in to take them out (they aren’t friggin’ armed cultists OR terrorists, just everyday louts on motorcycles, I could take them on, no sweat.), but I was stoped by one of the girls. She said it was already taken care of. By the new transfer student and that if I went in, I could be fatally injured for life. Well, it’s more fun to see people getting beat up, so I just watched it from where I was. (On top of Sunohara.)

That clueless idiot thinks she faked the event (and whored herself out to do so) to gain popularity and confronted her. She replied with a swift kick to his nuts. Well, he threw the first punch, I’ll testify to that. That new transfer student, is she one of them nano-augs from UNATCO? I thought they weren’t supposed to be rolled out for at least 3 years! But enough of that, she was totally smokin’. If my heart wasn’t set on Sunohara, I’d want to be with her forever. That kind of body doesn’t show up in your face often you know.

I was about to go home when I met that girl again. She was in front of the Drama Club’s clubroom, only the Drama Club had disbanded some time back. Lack of members they said. So I walked her home (or as close as I could get her to.).

My night-time wanderings aren’t all that interesting. Listened to some street performers, beat up a few thugs, dodged a few packs of crazed radicals bent on world domination, boring stuff. I wandered into a bread shop. I vaguely remember that girl mentioning something about her family running a confectionery around that area. I went in and sampled some of the stupidiest bread ever. Who, in their right frame of mind, puts RICE CRACKERS in bread? Them bakers and their silly flights of fantasy. I must’ve made the poor girl sad, for the next thing I knew I was almost beaten to death by this giant man-shaped colossus wielding an aluminum bat. Must’ve been her husband.

Next thing I know, I was invited to have dinner with them. Bunch of nutters, the whole family. I’d have checked the lot of them into a mental institution the first chance I get. Shame the females are pretty cute. What a terrible shame.

Anyways, back to home, and I find my useless, drunk-ass dad on the floor, stone cold drunk. Useless fellow, couldn’t even pick himself up after that tragic accident that deprived me of my mother. I would have killed him on the spot, and no one would ever dare try me in a court of law. I don’t know why I turned tail and ran.. Maybe it was his uselessness I was running away from. I’ll never know.

I ran. And ran. And ran, until I came by that confectionery again. And I still forgot my pistol. And there she was,, under the streetlamp, asking me if I wanted to go to some crazy place. It could have been a ploy to get me into one of them terrorist cells so that they could torture me, or something more sinister. I don’t know why I even accepted the invitation. I should have just snapped her neck right there and then.

I hate myself sometimes.

IMPRESSIONS:

OK wow, this show is simply beautiful. And the ED is so touching, fpr no apparent reason. To be honest, that’s all I have to say. And for those of you who think Tomozaku Sugita is a dead ringer for Tomoya, you’re dead wrong. Kyon was bitter and cynical Yuuichi was I dunno mean, I guess. Tomoya flat-out hates the world. He may be bitter and cynical too, but his hatred is definitely more than just being jaded.

Have I already mentioned bouncy Kyou and Tomoyo already?

NEXT EPISODE PREVIEWS:

Tomoya has loads of fun with Fuuko, realizes that Kotomi is quite literally, Saishuu Heiki Kanojo with a violin, hits on Tomoyo and Kyou, moar Nagisa, and definitely moar Sunohara. Tomoya forgets his pistol again (but makes up for it with a BFG OVER9000), battles the cultists of Cthulu, the Flying Spagetthi Monster and some girl from another KyoAni work and does the Mottke! Sailor Fuku! dance to save the Earth from barrel-rolling giant enemy crabs from a planet near Betelgeuse VII. Oh, and Tomoya sniffs Sunohara’s PINK boxers. because he’s that kind of guy.

Entry filed under: Anime, Clannad.

RAWR CLANNAD YAYS TOUHOU VS WII: THE SHOWDOWN IN SENDAI

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. lolikitsune  |  October 6, 2007 at 7:16 am

    >>Have I already mentioned bouncy Kyou and Tomoyo already?

    Have you used the word already already?

    Reply
  • 2. chraen  |  October 7, 2007 at 10:19 pm

    LOL.

    Reply
  • 3. Dan  |  October 8, 2007 at 6:44 am

    If you haven’t already, go check out Touhou’s TV debut on ef. =p

    Reply

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